Update

Good Evening to everyone. I am sorry, but blogging has taken a very big back seat in my life right now, although, I feel as though I may be able to get back into the swing of updating more often soon.

As my last post stated, I was looking forward to the new year. I was ready for 2009 to be done and over with. I was ready to take my new years resolutions to new heights and begin another year fresh. So far, this year is not what I ever would have chosen for my family. Not in a million years! What I have to realize, though, is that what I want for my family and God's will for my family may not always be the same. That is a hard fact to grasp hold of sometimes, so we plod along, grasping and grasping. Sometimes we fall, but God in His mercy gently lifts us back up and helps us, in many ways, to keep grasping and reaching for Him.

Most of you who read anything I post already know what I am going to tell you. For others, I am sorry, but I am not going to go into a lot of detail. Monday night, January 4th of this year, my Dad was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. We all knew that stage 4 lung cancer was treatable, but not curable, therefore, we knew Dad was going to die, we just didn't know how much longer God would leave him with us. My Dad died at home, in the arms of my mother, surrounded by my brothers, his mother, and my mother's parents on Thursday, January 19th around 7:15 in the evening, 15 days after his original diagnosis. My Dad's last breath in this world was his first breath in Heaven with our Lord Jesus Christ, praise the Lord!

While I STILL feel a little bit in shock and absolutely devastated at the loss of my father, I also have a peace that has come over me. It is really awesome. The peace of which I speak came over me when I first got to GA and walked into my Dad's hospital room and saw him laying there struggling to breathe. I knew Dad was going to die and I was soooo sad. I was sooo devastated and sad, but God gave me, and I believe my entire family, such peace about His will. I remember when the DR who came to give the final diagnosis to our family about Dad's condition and just how bad things were, Dad listened to the DR, asked a few questions and then looked at us. I remember him telling us so many times that he was not afraid to die and that he wanted, more than anything, for God to be glorified in his illness. We all gathered around the bed listening to the DR talk and Dad asked her if taking chemo would help anything or how long it might prolong his days on earth. She said that there was really no telling how much longer it would allow him to live. He asked what the DR thought his quality of life might be if he decided to try to do chemo for the sake of more time with his family and she said the quality more than likely would be poor. He looked at us and said: "I want to go home and spend my last days here on earth with you at home." So, that is what we did. Dad got progressively worse in the hospital and frankly, we did not think that he was going to make the transport home because he was so ill. Not only that, but he was coming home to much less oxygen than he was on in the hospital. We brought Dad home under hospice care and Dad seemed to get a little better.

Let me tell you a little about my Dad's last days. Dad loved his church and God so wholly and they loved him too. The church members were so desperate to see him, and they knew how bad Dad wanted to be at church, that we set up a church service in mom and dad's home that afternoon and the members came to him. I am almost certain all church members were there save one member who was sick. What a blessing it was! We sang to him, a little preaching was done and members came and gave him the "right hand of fellowship" . Also, in my Dad's last days, he was not able to get up and down much, but he was able to go back out on the back porch one last time and be with my Papaw Nacho who helped him rebuild the back porch several years earlier. He was able to go upstairs, shower, shave and get a haircut one last time. My mom called me crying one day telling me that Dad got to go upstairs and lay down in bed with her one last time. She said she figured they would have gone up there and talked and chatted while laying there in bed, but she said Dad rubbed her head and they both fell asleep for a while together.

I must say that Dad being sick and me living 8 hours away was the hardest thing about this entire ordeal. I had work to think about, Danny's work to think about, my kid's. There were so many things I did or didn't do and decisions I made that were really hard. The first time I went to see Dad after finding out this news was really late one night and we had a call that we needed to come asap, so we drove all night to get there and for the next several days, I threw my kids in the laps of others and my husband and spent most of my time with Dad and my siblings and their families. I dreaded making a decision to go back home and I prayed all night one night and begged God to show me what to do. Danny had to go back to work and I would have to within a day or two. God answered my prayers and I was able to stay one more day after I sent my husband and kids home. I remember telling Dad goodbye when it was time for me to leave on that go around. I sat beside him holding his hand and told him I had to go but that I would be back in a few days. He asked me what day I would be back. I told him on Friday and he looked at me and said: "You go on home and go back to work. I will be here Friday when you get back." That was all I needed to hear. The next weekend we went on down to GA, but leaving this time was different. I wanted to be with my Dad and my family when he passed away so badly, but I knew I had to get back to VA. When I sat down with Dad this time, it was different. I still sat beside him and held his hands and told him I had to leave and how much I loved him. This time Dad asked me: "Do you have to go?" When I told him I did, he asked me: "Can you take Danny and the kids home and come right back?" It was then that I realized that Dad may not have known when he was going to die, but he knew that it would be soon. I told him how much I loved him and that if the Lord called him home to be with Him, then I would be okay. We said our goodbyes and I went home. It was less than 24 hours later that I was called and told that Dad had passed away. That was soo hard, but I know that it was not God's will for me to have been there. I am at peace, but I miss my Dad oh so much!

Well, that is really all I want to say. I could go into much more detail, but I won't. I will say this though: My dad was an awesome father, husband, son and grandfather. He was a devoted and loved church member and he was an awesome friend and co-worker. He was loved by many and will be missed by everyone who had the awesome priveledge to know him.

Please don't stop praying for me or my family. Keep my mom in your prayers. Also, please pray for my granny. Dad was her youngest son and last living. I can not imagine what it is like to lose all three of your sons to an early death.

Thanks for all of yours prayers so far!